“You play to win the game. You don’t play to just play.” — Herm Edwards

That’s football. American football. The greatest game on earth.

It’s not some wimpy sport—cough, soccer, cough —played by doofuses who complain and cry after every soft tackle.

Seriously, fellas, would you like some Gorgonzola cheese with that whine?

My colleague, Stephen Dorman, would rather attend next summer’s World Cup in South Africa than partake in the two-week party leading up to and culminating with Super Bowl XLIV in Miami.

Hmmm. Tough choice. South Africa? Or Miami?

I guess Dorman prefers the risk of catching malaria, getting pummeled by roving gangs of nihilistic hooligans, banking on South African “law enforcement” to protect tourists from (God forbid) potential terrorist strikes and, worst of all, enduring 0-0 ties.

Ties? Are you kidding me? Ties?

Let me quote my main man, Herm Edwards, again:

“You play to win the game.”

The World Cup is not a sporting event—it’s torture.

The Super Bowl, on the other hand, is a spectacle unlike any other.

There are heroes and villains. Prima donnas and blue-collar grunts. Dazzling theatrics of acrobatic catches and 3-yards-and-a-cloud-of-dust rumbles.

Football is a violent, unforgiving sport. It is also a cerebral game, a chess match pitting a colossal force against an immovable object. Football is a swashbuckling ballet of giants strutting, tiptoeing and lunging between boisterous tacklers.

And location is everything.

This isn’t some Super Bowl in Detroit or Jacksonville, Fla. It’s in Miami.

Think about the beaches, parties, beautiful women, sunshine, 77-degree weather, drinks with tiny umbrellas, more parties and more beautiful women.

A man can get used to that.

LMFAO will probably be there singing the summer classic, “I’m In Miami.”

You can hum along on your iPod, Dorman, during the 20-hour flight home from Johannesburg. I’ll loan you 99 cents.

I’m thinking Kanye, Jay-Z, Santigold and Lil Wayne will be in Miami. There might even by a Tiger sighting. You never know.

At the World Cup, Dorman can expect the Slovenian ambassador to get jiggy with it at the Roodepoort Days Inn lobby. Uh, you have fun with that.

The biggest sporting event in this country is Feb. 7. It’s the Super Bowl. In Miami. And you’ll wish you were there.

If you want to pull an Urban Meyer, you can join the fun, Dorman.

Contact Eliav Appelbaum at eliav@theacorn.com.

Please understand that the talented Eliav Appelbaum leads a sheltered life in breathtaking Calabasas.

Engulfed in this remarkable affluence, he somehow views the world as a dark and evil place where the mere idea of fun and adventure is greeted with a wag of the finger and a look of disgust.

I, on the other hand, am a ray of sunshine to all who know me.

Adventure is what I seek. It’s what I know. Like Dewey Cox, I walk hard and I walk bold. It’s my creed, my code.

So stick with me, faithful Showdown readers. Let Dorkman guide the way . . .

To my point now: If you have the freedom and the cash flow, I implore you to find a cool companion and fly to South Africa for the 2010 FIFA World Cup to experience a once-in-a-lifetime sporting extravaganza.

The first-ever World Cup played on African soil will serve as an epic display of futbol and country as inebriated, thrill-seeking soccer fans pack stadiums from the sharky seas of Cape Town to the natural wonders of Nelspruit in search of the game’s greatest prize.

Imagine, for a second, the possibilities on this dream trip . . .

The tournament runs from June 11 to July 11, allowing an entire month to explore the countryside while putting back pints with pub-crawling locals and wildeyed non-Canadian tourists.

With the click of a mouse and a lot of leeway from a friendly credit card company, online shoppers can purchase a 15-night package for two that includes lodging, food and tickets to all three USA matches in group play for about $12,000.

Airfare isn’t included in this outrageous plan, but at this point, who cares about money? We’re going big. It’s the American way.

Picture this: When the Red, White and Blue battle the English on June 12 in Rustenburg, you’ll be there to remind everyone within earshot that David Beckham has clown hair and the good old USA was victorious in the Revolutionary War.

Friends, that’s an experience you just can’t put a price tag on.

It’ll be winter in South Africa, an ideal time for surfing, golfing, whale watching and freezing at night because you packed for hot Africa only to discover you were staying in cold Africa. Traveling abroad teaches us so many wonderful life lessons.

I’m sorry, Appelbaum, but telling our fine readers that they’re supposed to pass up all that fun for two weeks in South Beach rubbing elbows with the Canseco twins and half The Who is absurd.

Go ahead and do your thing like some lame Don Johnson look-alike. The real Americans are going to Durban, dude.

Contact Stephen Dorman at sdorman@theacorn.com.