I think Lucy dyes his hair. And there's the problem of the perennial tan, fueled by enough DayGlo bronzer to glisten like King Tut in the tomb of the pharaohs. For 2,000 more years, the Gubernator's dermis will keep the lights on for ya.

His sidekicks, all 118 of them, form a cast of clowns who haven't left the people of California laughing. Or the residents of Ventura County. Because the California Legislature under the tutelage of the Terminator managed to give new meaning to the term "political screw-ups."

Those of us who live in the state of the Golden Bear are learning that while politics used to be the second oldest profession, it now seems to bear a striking resemblance to the first.

The gilt is peeling off the Bear. Which reminds me of a song:

"Hail the Golden Bear

Is losing all his hair

His teeth are out, he's got the gout,

He don't know what it's all about . . .

His eyes are made of glass

He's losing all his class,

So take your lousy teddy bear and . . ."

Well, you can finish the tune if you like. This poetic little ditty used to be performed by Stanford students at Cal games, but gosh, it seems like it should be our new state song, doesn't it?

Memo to Arnold and the cast of Katzenjammer kids known as the California Legislative Lunkheads: Pack your bags. All of you bozos will be given wigs and costumes and be admitted to the witness protection program. You will be relocated to Ventura County, to live in the old, decaying Kmart building on Hampshire, home of the contentious Do-it Center/Home Depot/ traffic debate, a perfect example of politics gone awry.

You'll feel right at home, won't you? Because you are still on the dole from the state, you'll work in our schools, since in Ventura County alone, almost 1,000 teachers have been given the boot due to your incompetent fiscal policies and unprincipled leadership.

So get to work. Because music, art and athletic enrichment programs were dismissed in order to pay your salaries, you will fill in zee blanks. You will teach finger painting to kindergartners and intricate three-part harmonies for "Camptown Races" to fifthgraders, and you'll joyously dance the Maypole with the tweeners.

Sports activities should be perfect for you lunkheads since you've been playing dodgeball for about 10 years. Hey, you ought to be in great shape. Instead of Capture the Flag, you may spin it to "Capture the Taxpayers' Money," but that's okay. The kids can teach you how to play by the rules.

As for history, the kids will teach the lunkheads. Perhaps they'll start with the Bill of Rights since the lunks are lost in the Bill of Wrongs.

Here's a better use for that pretty expensive real estate you occupied in Sacramento. Let Amgen take over the state Capitol building by installing a new research lab tasked with developing a cure for politicians suffering from egoistic inflatitis, a taste for Ubangi warrior conflict resolution, the absence of ears, the overuse of mouths and a penchant for trying to look like George Hamilton. Per square foot, the tribe of the Amgenis will make better use of the space than the lunkheads.

I think P.J. O'Rourke hit the nail on the head when he said, "The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it."

Oh, California. You can reach Elizabeth Kirby at kirby@theacorn.com.