High-powered machinery

My wife and I recently bought a new vacuum and I've since changed my attitude about the carpet cleaning chores around the house.

Let me break down the model we bought. First of all, it's not your typical vacuum. This piece of highpowered machinery has D2.

What's D2, you ask? D2 is Dual Cyclonic Technology. I don't really know what it means, except that it gives the vacuum serious power.

This thing's got like a 300-amp motor. When it starts up, it sounds like the space shuttle. It's also got things like a power brush, antimicrobial technology and something on the back of the machine toward the bottom that says "Power." That's what I'm talking about. Power! Oh, that's the power switch.

This vacuum is tough. It's got a scuff guard on the front of the machine for ramming, wheels that you could take through any off-road course and extension hoses that could probably withstand several buckshots.

My new vacuum has a shiny metallic red coat of paint that would put any restored classic car to shame. I've already put a coat of wax on the machine, and it's so shiny and reflective I could use it as a mirror when I shave.

My old vacuum would miss small fuzzes, pieces of thread and dirt that got ground into the carpet, which is the main reason we replaced the thing- may it rest in pieces. I'd go over the same mess numerous times with the old vacuum, and still it wouldn't pick the stuff up.

Now, let me break down the performance of my new vacuum. I have to strap myself in before operating the thing. Yeah, it's got that much power. Once I'm strapped in, I still have to hang on.

I could pour pancake syrup on my carpet, and this vacuum would pick it up. I've accidentally sucked up a few of my son's Tonka toys and even grabbed pieces of furniture like a tractor beam. Sometimes I'm surprised my new vacuum doesn't pull the carpet up into the machine's waste container.

Yes, I actually enjoy vacuuming these days. I invite friends over to the house to show the thing off like it was a new motorcycle. Most of them are envious of my new machine and want to take it for a spin, but a man never allows another person to drive his vehicles- vacuums included.

There are the few friends who want to challenge me with their own vacuuming equipment. Of course, they're all talk. Not one of them has showed up for a challenge. Two of them converted to the type of machine I just purchased.

My wife is more than happy that I've claimed the vacuuming duties in the house. Ever since, she's been on the computer obsessively surfing the web.

After a while, I got a little curious as to what she was looking for. I could've just asked, but instead I decided to play Sherlock Holmes and do a little snooping around.

I went online and checked the history of web pages searched. I found several Googled pages with key words "high-powered glass cleaner," "high-powered iron," "highpowered Swiffer," "highpowered paint brush" and . . . you get the idea. And I get the idea, too. Maybe this new vacuum wasn't such a hot idea.

E-mail Michael Picarella at michael.picarella@gmail.com or go to http://www.myspace.com/ picarellaworks.