Thoughts on Marriage

My husband and I are coming up on 25 years of marriage. My parents have been together more than 50 years.

Surprisingly, according to statistics, it is not highly probable that children of parents who remained married will have successful marriages. There are many other variables at work in marriage duration, such as education level, age at marriage, socioeconomic status, ethnicity, religious affiliation, and on it goes.

Marriage is a complicated project to research. No wonder those who do marry are also confused from time to time. How do we successfully live together with the same person over decades of change? How do we introduce new people, such as children, to our relationship without compromising what we have together? Where is the time to attend to everyone's needs?

It's a wonder marriage can be done at all when one considers the "odds." Would Vegas take these on? Yet we do.

The stakes are high. Married men and women tend to have lower mortality, less risky behavior, more monitoring of health and compliance with medical regimens, higher frequency of sexual satisfaction, more financial savings and higher wages.

Divorce is associated with many negative outcomes, particularly for women and children. We seem to be more familiar with these, however, than with what goes into marital longevity.

Years ago I asked my readers to share their personal experiences of marriage duration. I didn't get any magic formulas or amazing revelations. What I got was their view on commitment.

One person reflected on his marriage of more than 35 years: "It's not that I always felt loving toward her, but I always knew we shared a common purpose and we each needed to make it work."

Another wrote, "My idea of marriage is that it takes a lot of loyalty to see you through the bad times. . . . I went into it with that mindset."

It seemed that a spouse's individual attitudes about marriage were a strong indicator of success and longevity.

A minister once preached to a congregation that you "get the minister that you pray for." In a similar way, you can have the marriage partner that you are willing to be. If you demonstrate caring, support, respect and patience with your partner, I believe that it will come back to you.

Marriage really stretches our capacity for good. We have to come out of our natural selfishness in order to love someone else. Some people have good role models of how this is done in their families of origin. But even this does not guarantee success. We have to be willing to make the effort, learn how to compromise and value our husband or wife no matter what.

Successful couples model this. There is no one formula. It is in the way they treat each other day by day. They are actively curious about each other's lives. They ask questions and listen to the answers. They don't assume they already know.

They greet each other hello and goodbye, often with a hug and a kiss. There is a physical demonstration of affection. They say "I love you" often. They plan to spend time together regularly. They turn off the computer or television during some part of this time.

They do some household task they may not want to do just because they see that their partner is tired. They carry their relationship into their day, even when apart, by thoughts of the other and what the other's response would be to a situation. They can't wait to share certain information with them, and it is a burden lifted when they do.

No successful couple will tell you that they don't fight. They do. They care about different things and have unique passions and dreams. It's how they do it that's important.

I have witnessed couples literally explode in front of me, calling each other terrible names and engaging in prolonged verbal abuse. When that is over, it is as though nothing happened, and they continue on about the more mundane tasks at hand.

However, the damage is done. The trust is compromised. The goodwill between them has been broken down by disrespect and simmering anger over time.

Successful fighting involves passion and respect. Each person is able to control themselves so as not to allow anger to become abusive. Each person is aware of their feelings and able to gauge opportune moments for and ways of communicating them.

No successful couple is perfect. We all make mistakes. That is why forgiveness is such an integral part of marriage.

Forgiveness is the healing balm applied to relational wounds, and we all have themHowever, forgiveness is a process involving both the wounded and perpetrator. It cannot take place without a sincere desire on both parts to make amends.

Along with forgiveness is the ability to ignore the "small stuff." We all commit daily transgressions, and we are not actively seeking to undermine our spouses by doing so. We forget. We get distracted. We can't, even though we said we could.

Marriage is an ongoing demonstration of individual commitment to shared meaning, goals, history, suffering and joy. Success can be measured in years together, but it is a complicated mixture of individual as well as couple characteristics. Researchers even have a hard time measuring it.

However, what we can say is, where would we be without it?

Deborah Barber, PhD, is a clinical psychologist in Westlake Village, (818) 512-7923. She welcomes questions/comments at askDrDB@yahoo.com, or visit www.DrDeborahBarber for more information.