Men Aren't Giving

A telephone rings. I answer it.

ME: Hello . . . Hello? . . . HELLO, IS ANYONE THERE?

Click.

Twenty minutes later, the telephone rings again. I answer it.

ME: Hello . . . Hello? . . . Look, whoever this is, I can hear you breathing . . . Hello . . . Can you hear me?

Click.

Another 20 minutes later, the telephone rings again.

ME: Hello . . . Look, I know it's you again. Nobody calls here with a blocked number except you. Who are you trying to reach and I'll try to help you? . . Is this a prank call? If it is, you're not getting the best of me, you little jerk. Why don't you reveal yourself and let's settle this like men? . . . You afraid? . . . Hello?

Click. The next day, the telephone rings. I answer it.

ME: Hello . . . Hello? . . . Oh, it's you again, huh? Just because you have a blocked number, doesn't mean I can't find out who you are. And I will find out who you are. Just test me, pal.

I hang up the phone.

Twenty minutes later, the telephone rings again. I answer it.

ME: Hello . . . You know what? I'm gonna stop answering the phone whenever I see your blocked number come up on my caller I.D. We'll see how you like it.

I hang up the phone. Thirty minutes later, the telephone rings. I answer it.

ME: Hello . . . Okay, next time I really won't answer the phone.

I hang up the phone. It rings immediately. "Blocked number" shows up on the caller I.D.

ME: Hello . . . Oooops. Listen, what do you want? Are you one of Mrs. Picarella's students? If you are, you can just ask for her and I'll get her. Whaddaya say?

Click.

A couple days later, the telephone rings. I answer it. I don't say a word. There's silence . . . for five minutes.

ME: How do you like it?

I hang up the phone.

The next day, the telephone rings. I answer it.

ME: Okay, now I'm gonna break your nose.

MY MOM: Mike?

ME: Mom? Sorry, I thought you were someone else. When did you get a blocked number?

MY MOM: I'm at work.

ME: Oh. Our conversation continues for another five minutes, and then . . .

ME: Mom, can you hang on? I have a call on the other line.

MY MOM: Okay.

I click over to the other line.

ME: Hello . . . Hello? . . . You again, huh? . . . Call back one more time, and I'll be forced to take action.

I click back over with my mom.

ME: I'm back. Some kid's been prank calling me for the past few days.

MY MOM: I've had sales calls left and right for weeks.

ME: Oh, I'm on the Do Not Call Registry. I never get sales calls.

The conversation continues for another 12 minutes. I hang up when the call is all through.

The next day, the telephone rings. My wife answers the phone.

MY WIFE: Hello . . . Hello?

LADY: Hello, you must be the woman of the house. I about gave up on your household. My name is Ida. This is not a sales call, but rather, I'm with a local charity calling to ask if you'd be so kind as to give a few dollars to . . .

E-mail Michael Picarella at michael.picarella@gmail.com. To read more of his stories, go to www.michaelpicarellacolumn.blogspot .com.