Guide to Halloween '08

Maybe you're a youthful trick-or-treater seeking insight on how to collect large quantities of candy this Halloween. Maybe you're a concerned mother hoping to ensure that your little Halloween candy hunters are safe. Or maybe you're a justice-seeking father who doesn't want to see his kid lose another costume contest to someone dressed as a strip of sod. Regardless of who you are, this Guide to Halloween will help you enjoy All Hallows Eve to the fullest.

Why am I qualified to write such a guide? As a young trickor-treater, I always received lots of candy, remained safe year after year, won plenty of costume contests and had tons of fun. Most importantly, I never got caught.

Costumes and

costume contests

The scariest costumes aren't always the best costumes. The cleverest costumes aren't the best either. Not even the cutest costume is the guaranteed winner. If you want your child to win a Halloween costume contest, there's really only one thing you can do: get on the judges' panel.

For trick-or-treaters only!

The best way to get lots of candy, let's face it, is to be 5 years old. For those of us who are slightly older than 5, who lack the same cuteness and innocence, here's what you do: First, you need a really adorable Halloween costume. Second, you need a few dozen pillowcases for candy collection. Third, you need a second pair of shoes. Fourth, hit the streets early—before your "8 p.m. bedtime."

At each door, ring the bell and then kneel down into your second pair of shoes. When people open the door, they'll find the cutest "little" kid that ever walked the streets, one who deserves handfuls of candy.

To guilt the candy giver into giving you even more candy, find a neighborhood on a hillside where the houses have steep driveways and long sets of stairs to the front doors. (Scout for such neighborhoods several days in advance so you don't waste precious trickortreating time looking for the right homes.)

Next, purchase one of those 5foot-tall laundry hampers—the real heavy ones. What for? For carrying the loads of candy you'll surely receive. And don't forget your second pair of shoes.

When candy givers see you, a 3-foot-tall angel of joy at their doorstep with a hamper the size of King Kong, they'll feel obligated to give you extra treats because they know you had to haul that giant container up their driveway and up their stairs, and they know you have to lug the thing back down. If you pretend you're out of breath, some candy givers might offer you cash. Score!

If you're lucky while trickortreating you'll come across a haunted house that someone built in the garage. Go on in. Haunted houses are great fun, especially when monsters jump out at you and scare you out of your mind.

More thrilling is finding a real haunted house. When I was young, my co-trick-or-treaters and I sometimes came across real haunted houses toward the end of the night in unfamiliar neighborhoods. These were the houses your parents warned you about— the ones with guys inside who do bad things to kids. My advice is, beware of houses like these. If you walk by one of them, keep your eyes peeled for danger . . . and when you get to the door and ring the doorbell for "trick or death," be prepared to run really fast. That's what I call real fun.

Halloween safety

Parents beware: Troublemakers are after your kids' candy. If your children collect lots of treats, they'll probably get hassled. To prevent this, you could tell your kids to eat their candy as they collect it, so they'll be empty-handed all night.

Some parents are worried that evil people will tamper with the candy they give out—like putting needles in candy bars.

My advice: make candy givers sign candy release forms (I'm sure you can find these on the Internet) before dropping any goodies into your kids' bags. Maybe have one of your trickortreaters dress up as a lawyer to assist the process.

Hosting Halloween

Giving out candy seems easy, right? Wrong.

First of all, don't give out noncandy items like crackers, cook

ies or, the worst, apples. Wax lips just confuse kids. Money isn't a DELING horrible treat, unless you only hand out a few mere pennies and a nickel. But never—I say never—give out pens with your real estate agency printed on the side, or you're just asking for kids to use your home as a crash site for airborne jack-o'-lanterns.

If you're not going to be home for Halloween, don't leave a bowl of candy on your doorstep with a note saying, "Take only one piece of candy, please," unless you plan on putting candy out in the flowery crystal bowl your wife has on display in your dining room—the one you've been trying to get rid of since you got the hideous thing on your wedding day.

Aside from that, hand out full-sized candy bars and large bags of name-brand candy, and you'll be fine.

Closing disclaimer

I'm not one for disclaimers, but my wife reviewed this Guide to Halloween and thought it might be a good idea to offer some helpful words of caution. She warns: "Please disregard the preceding Guide to Halloween, for my husband knows not what he's talking about."

E-mail Michael Picarella at michael.picarella@gmail.com. To read more of his stories, visit www.michaelpicarellacolumn .blogspot.com.