Survival of the sensitive

These days the world is a place of hard knocks. Very few of us are shielded from daily adversity. It can come in very subtle forms: A passing neighbor fails to wave at us or someone cuts in front of us in line. It can come with crashing and sudden impact: We lose a loved one, or we get a medical diagnosis that changes everything.

Our lives are dynamic and evershifting; what was once reliable is now not. Most of us face a daily dose of uncertainty and have little control over anything or anyone outside ourselves. So how do we continue to move forward, live the life before us and somehow honor our unique personhood?

One way is to work on personal resilience. A campaign to foster resilience in the face of terrorism,long-promoted by the American Psychological Association (APA), can also be used in an individual way (see www.APAHelpCenter.org/resilience).

Resilience is about the ability to spring back and recover quickly from challenging life experiences. Resilient people don't avoid hardships but are ultimately able to surmount them or even become strengthened through them. We all know people who gain from these experiences, but there are also those who become discouraged, depressed, angry or bitter. What influences the outcome?

According to the APA, resilient people are optimistic. They are hopeful and aware of active, problemsolving coping strategies. They have a history of applying personal and social resources effectively. Above all, they accept hardship as a common denominator of life and resolve to meet its demands, to even make meaning of it in some positive way.

I once asked a friend who was coping with several deaths in her family and personal illness if she ever wondered, "Why me?" Her response was, "Why not me?"

Some proponents of resilience identify social or community ties as helpful. For example, caring and supportive relationships can mitigate the effect of stressful situations and create a safe haven for emotional expression.

However, it is important to choose friends or family members who do not impose a time-limited approach. A client recently confided to me that a relative who had been helping her through a difficult time told her that "she should be over it by now." It is important to honor individual processes when coping with crisis—some of us are more sensitive than others.

Cultural experience and beliefs can also contribute to resiliency. Cultures that are fatalistic in belief perceive adversity as universal and unstoppable rather than personal. Some countries have suffered periodic social unrest, almost "inoculating" residents in preparing for the next disaster.

Small, periodic "doses" can form a strategy of successful coping strength that can be used to manage future events. Communities learn from past crises how to better prepare their citizens, focusing on healthier coping models and ways to decrease negative impacts.

Resilient people have to work on flexibility. This includes attitude as well as action. There are those who have such sensitivity to others that everything is perceived as a slight and the world is seen as unsafe. Here, counseling may be helpful to build selfesteem and obtain a more flexible perspective.

Reminding ourselves of personal strengths and past success with adversity can lead to more resourceful coping: If one strategy isn't working, we can be open to new and better ones. Sometimes visualizing a positive outcome can go a long way toward achieving one.

Resiliency is also about maintaining personal care and honoring individual needs, no matter who or what is pressing upon us. We need to take time for ourselves—eat healthy, exercise, sleep and relax. We need to have balance between work and play, social ties and alone time, creative and spiritual pursuits. We need to be able to ask for help when needed as well as help others.

If we are particularly sensitive in certain ways (and each of us is!), distancing from people or places that trigger those sensitivities can help until we can build personal resilience in those areas. In addition, hanging out with "survivors" is a good way to learn how.

Living and being engaged in the world requires healthy coping on an ongoing basis even when life is going well. Take the time now to assess what makes you feel strong and healthy—physically, emotionally and spiritually. If anything is lacking, begin to work on it, and you will find coping "reserves" that you never thought you had. Then you can help the rest of us.

Deborah Barber, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Westlake Village, can be reached at (818) 5127923. E-mail questions/comments to askDrDB@yahoo.com or visit www.DrDeborahBarber for more info.