According to an "NBC Nightly News" look at marriage earlier this month, 84 percent of couples say that money is a source of tension.

A new generation of couples is "changing the rules" and keeping money separate; the young couple featured was quoted as saying, "Deciding to get married was hard enough" and, "We need to take baby steps" regarding joint accounts. According to the data, 37 percent of couples keep their own checking accounts.

Many divorce mediators, therapists and attorneys cite couples' ongoing quarrels and differences over money as one of the primary reasons marriages fail. We seem to be able to discuss sex much more freely than our income. In many families, earnings are a closely guarded secret known only to a privileged few.

Growing up, we learn to keep this information to ourselves. After all, we could lose what we don't protect. Is it any wonder that something so personal and intimate could be a source of tension?

I've learned over the years that couples' treatment of money is revealing of the trust and security in the relationship. One wife of 20 years shared with me that she had "squirreled" money away unbeknownst to her husband "just in case" he ever left her. She had watched her parents divorce and suffered with her mother over near poverty as a result. She lived in fear of being treated in a similar manner despite the toll it was taking on the relationship. Her husband, though ignorant of the money issue, was painfully aware that she was never able to be fully secure in their marriage.

Spending can be an ego boost when feeling inadequate in other areas of life. Managing money wisely requires good self-esteem and the ability to delay gratification. Emotional maturity goes hand in hand with effective financial strategies. Those who are inclined to hoard may have suffered from severe deprivation in their early years and use money as security, often refusing to spend even when needed.

Put these two extremes together and there is instant trouble. That's where people like me come in and why I say it's better to explore these potential trouble spots prior to "I do."

Nevertheless, the majority of couples are able to combine incomes and use a "whole is better than the parts" kind of strategy. This transcends the money issue to include the attitude of the whole relationship: "We work together as a team" and "United we stand" are their mottos.

This kind of couple is much easier to work with because they have resolved the "I" philosophy into a "we-ness" (please forgive the technical terminology). Their security lies in their shared relational investment, a work-in-progress for successful marriages.

Marital researcher John Gottman, PhD, refers to the idea of making deposits into "emotional bank accounts," making an effort to connect in positive ways throughout the day through phone calls, compliments, favors and signs of physical affection, creating a steady supply of mutual positive regard. This ensures that the marital bank account is never overdrawn even when conflicts arise.

Marriage is certainly the most important "investment" we will ever make. It takes patience, communication, trust, loyalty, friendship, selflessness and lots of love.

Money is an important "tool" for success in life, but it should not be used as a defensive weapon in a relationship. It's worthwhile to do some exploring about what money means to you and your partner. If it's not a source of tension in your relationship, I hope you can be good role models to the next generation- I think they need some help.

To my readers: I plan to write a future column on "seasons of marriage" and I need your help. Please tell me when your best time of marriage has been (with kids, in retirement, etc.) and why, and e-mail me below. I look forward to hearing from you

Deborah Barber, PhD, is a clinical psychologist specializing in individual adult and couples therapy, with a private practice in Oak Park.

Reach her at (818) 512-7923 and send questions/responses to askDrDB@yahoo.com.