"Epic Movie" Directed by: Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer Starring: Jayma Mays, Kal Penn, Adam Campbell, Jennifer Coolidge, Crispin Glover, Fred Willard Rated: PG13 (One might suppose for utter stupidity and banality. Younger children might leave the theater brain-dead.) Running time: 85 minutes Best suited for: I can't honestly think of anyone short of Osama bin Laden Least suited for: Humanity Acorn Rating Guide:  Don't bother

How's this for irony? One evening last month I spent several hours poring over the American Film Institute's poll to determine the Best 100 Movies of All Time. The survey is offered once every decade and involves selecting a century of truly magnificent films. It's also excruciatingly difficult to whittle down the 500, 600 or 700 flicks that I'd want along if stranded on a desert island.

The very next day I ventured out to see "Epic Movie." Talk about leaving emotional skid marks, like going from 80 mph to 0 in two seconds flat. It's like winning the lottery and losing the ticket. Like buying a new Lamborghini and being sideswiped as you drive off the car lot. It's like falling in love and--well, I think you get the point.

I am not, by any means, a fan of stupid movies. But I can be sold. Give me a modicum of cleverness and a remotely savvy script, and, hey, I'll adapt.

Cases in point? "Monty Python and the Holy Grail." Classic droll comedy. "Wayne's World." Brilliantly goofy. "Napoleon Dynamite." Wonderfully surreal. "American Pie." Bawdy but inventive. "Waiting for Guffman." Oddly endearing. I'll even admit to liking one Adam Sandler film--"50 First Dates"--because it delivered a bit of originality, with a likable script and a cute cast.

And then there are those films lacking any pretense of even residual smartness, of intelligent delivery or of meaningful intent. Films like "Benchwarmers" or "Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy," or "Three Amigos!" or "Deuce Bigalow." If captured by an enemy who demanded Top Secret information, threatening me with repeated viewings of such films, I would immediately spill my guts.

And yet all the above now appear to glitter and shine when compared to "Epic Movie."

The remote possibility that anyone in Acorn range might enjoy this film stems from my moderate enjoyment of the "Scary Movie" franchise. Basically, "Scary Movie" parodies the horror film genre- and often cleverly so.

There's something subliminally satisfying about laughing at a pretense that maybe scared you senseless a few months before. The last of the series, "Scary Movie 4," was adequate entertainment for your dollar- alternately lame and clever, but at least interesting.

"Epic Movie" follows the same format, except without the clever or interesting parts.

This one attempts to parody films like "The Da Vinci Code," "The Chronicles of Narnia" and "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory"--with snippets of "Harry Potter," "Click," "Snakes on a Plane," "Nacho Libre," "XMen" and "Pirates of the Caribbean" tossed in because, well, I guess because somebody thought these snippets would be funny. Oh, and with interludes of hip-hop--mostly white guys who can't dance. What's up with that?

And perhaps this surreal kaleidoscope of trash might have been funny had somebody managed to extract any of those films' idiosyncrasies or had attempted to parody their essence. But directors Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer rely on look-alike actors (kinda like Samuel L. Jackson, kinda like Johnny Depp) to do most of their work. We're supposed to laugh at such clever look-alikes on sight, no matter what nonsense spills forth from their mouths.

The humor is just not funny. Not even close. I am, in fact, boggled by the utter banality of the dialogue in this film. It's as if somebody decided to test the masses by initiating the worst possible dialogue imaginable, knowing that teeming masses would go see the film regardless (which I am sure we'll do, we teeming masses. We're like sheep that way).

Oh, and this one was made by the same guys who brought us last year's "Date Movie." Why they're still working in Hollywood I'm not sure. But I do know there are more than a few poor, unread screenwriters out there, living on bread crust and Top Ramen, tearing their hair and wondering if there's a God.

Really, this one never should have gotten off the ground. That somebody's actually making money-- taking our money--well, maybe God's busy in Iraq.