He's Not With Me

Sometimes, my 3-year-old son comes out with embarrassing comments, things that make me want to say to others nearby, "He's not with me."

Last week, my wife, son and I went to a restaurant to eat. A young kid with a Mohawk haircut sat down next to us. My son spotted the kid's tall, pointy hair immediately. "Hey, you have big hair," my son said loudly.

At least my son got the gender correct. When he sees someone- male or female-with long hair, he usually calls the person "lady." The men hate that.

On a recent occasion at a baseball game, my son spotted someone exiting the restroom and asked, "Did you wash your hands?"

"He's not with me," I told the man.

I have to limit going to people's homes for home-cooked meals. If my son doesn't like the food, he'll let the chef know. On more than one occasion, he's said, "Eeeooo! This is yucky. I don't like it."

I think most people aren't offended when my son says things that my wife and I find embarrassing. People usually say, "Oh, how cute." But how cute is it when my son tells a complete stranger that she has a big nose? On that occasion, the lady didn't flash my son a dirty look. Instead, she gave my wife the evil eye. The lady probably thought my son learned such behavior from my wife and me. And she's right. My son learned it from me.

I have a big Italian nose, and one time, my son accidentally hit me in the beak with one of his toys. I told him, "Please be careful. I already have a big nose. I don't need to make it bigger." From that day on, my son asks me, "Daddy, do you have a big nose?" Evidently, he asks other big-nosers the same question.

My son comes off as a real cutie sometimes. Once, on a plane, he said to me, "A horse says 'neigh.'"

I said, "You're right. A horse does say 'neigh.'"

A nearby passenger said, "He's so cute."

And my son said it again. "A horse says 'neigh.'"

"You're right," I said.

My son repeated it. "A horse says 'neigh.'"

"You're right," I said yet again.

After hearing the same thing 10 dozen times, the friendly passenger became more and more annoyed, like a person bombarded with telemarketers' calls. So when my son repeated himself for, oh, the 900th time, "A horse says 'neigh,'" I replied, "Oh, I didn't know that." That comment made him move on to another barnyard animal.

"A cow says 'moo.'" Not the anticipated result, but progress.

I imagine I'm not the only parent out there who sometimes wants to tell strangers that his/her kid is with someone else. I imagine many of you parents have some really funny stories about what your kids have said to strangers. I'd love to read them and take comfort in knowing that I'm not alone.

Right? Please tell me I'm not alone. Pretty please. You can make up the stories if you want. E-mail Michael Picarella at

pic@theacorn.com. Nice com- ments only. The author is very fragile.