Recently, my husband's response to my question about his day included the phrase "circling the drain." For those of you unfamiliar with this technical term, it means "burned out." As the school year nears an end, many of us are scrambling with last-minute projects, plans and what to do with the kids over the summer while we work. As family needs expand, our own ability to take care of ourselves may be at risk. In addition, our work involvement may override personal needs as we defer vacations or time off to tackle yet another problem and try to keep ahead of mounting job responsibilities.

Sound like a recipe for disaster? It can be. When we become overwhelmed from the pressures of life, it takes a toll on our relationships. When one partner is stressed, the other often bears the brunt of displaced anger, frustration and fatigue. Children may be next in line, so the entire family suffers. We need mental, physical and spiritual health to function well in this world, and it's our responsibility to maintain this, not our partner's.

We need to cultivate selfawareness and frequently check in with ourselves throughout the day to monitor well-being. Most of us aren't very good at this, especially if we're parents of young children or have high-stress careers where something or someone is always demanding our attention. However, with some forethought or creativity, it is still possible to practice self-care. As an example, a busy executive friend programmed his computer to remind him hourly that he needed to stop and practice deep breathing exercises for stress management.

I often see clients who need reminding about those familiar healthy habits of daily living: nutrition, exercise and sleep. Physical needs are so intertwined with emotional health that they cannot be separated. We use all kinds of excuses as to why we can't exercise three times a week or can't eat healthy, and then we have to contend with mood swings as our blood sugar levels fluctuate or with depression from lack of sleep.

Sometimes difficulty with selfcare can be linked to family-oforigin dysfunction. Not having good family role models as we grow up can definitely impair us as adults. In addition, poor selfimage can contribute to self-care issues. It's important to sort through these difficulties with a qualified therapist, not our partners.

Finally, self-care includes honoring emotional and spiritual needs. If your partner doesn't enjoy some of your hobbies or interests, find a friend who does or do it alone. Expecting your partner to share in all your interests is not realistic; we all need a variety of people to be included in our lives for optimal social support.

Keep your sense of humor alive and well. Find a time to be alone in a quiet place to renew your energy level, even if it's for just a few minutes a day. Be aware of your own needs and verbalize these needs to your partner; he or she is not a mind-reader. Include a time to maintain and practice spiritual beliefs; strength and renewal will follow. As you develop more practice and expertise in self-care, the benefits will be a healthier you and a healthier relationship, not to mention the positive role-modeling for any children who may be watching.

Following is a question from one of our readers:

Q: My husband comes home from work really stressed out. He yells at the kids and we're always "on eggshells" until he sits down and has dinner. Then he seems to be in a better mood. I'm tired of his attitude as my day is pretty stressful also. What can I do?

A: Sounds like he needs a "time out" to collect himself before he can face you and the family. Take him aside when he's in a better mood and talk frankly about what's happening. Is his job so stressful that he needs to make a change? Does he realize the effect his stress has on you and the kids? Are the kids out of control and needing more limit-setting?

Try to help him sort out what he needs to take care of himself and work together to make this happen; men are not always as

self-aware as women in caretaking needs. You also need to manage your stress and ask for or do whatever will help. Some feel that this is being "selfish," but the truth is that no one is optimally available to another unless they are whole and healthy themselves.

Deborah Barber, PhD is a licensed clinical psychologist with a private practice in Oak Park. She specializes in individual adult and couples therapy. Call (818) 512-7923 or send your questions to askDrDB@yahoo.com.