Republicans and Democrats can both take a hike

Reading The Acorn’s weekly neighborhood acrimonious verbal invective is as delightfully titillating as watching a network reality show replete with carnival-like ambience.

I was particularly amused by Miriam Jaffe’s venomous tautological diatribe concerning the nefarious deeds of Democrats. Can anyone say “Stalinist” comrade? Her political paroxysms were oddly reminiscent of the bleating sheep in Orwell’s novel “Animal Farm”: “Four legs good, two legs bad.”

Nowadays, debating the merits of Republicans versus Democrats is analogous to comparisons between Coke and Pepsi— same product with different labels stuck on their cans.

Democrats have an abundance of trite ideas and Republicans have only one idea: bomb everybody.

While attempting to offer a panacea for decades of bipartisan ineptitude and corruption would only be another exercise in futility, I can, however, offer a solution for the distraught Mrs. Jaffe’s effusive rage—it’s called Prozac.

So let’s get our partisan ducks in a row, shall we?

Clinton is a philandering, Oxford-educated hillbilly with the moral restraint of a hound dog on steroids. Bush is an unctuous Calvinist, wannabe Banana Republic dictator with his finger on the nuclear panic button.

Anyone else for Prozac?

Can’t we all just return to the halcyon days of Mayberry when everyone was focused on more polite matters, like helping Aunt Bea make strawberry jam, instead of bickering over the legal textbook definition of marriage?

I’m sure Barney Fife would keep it under his hat if Mike Dunn promised not to teach him semantics.

After all, when Congress gets finished shredding the last vestiges of the Constitution while everyone’s distracted, then we’ll all have plenty of time to get together and make jam for 40 hours a week at minimum wage like decent, righteous folk—except for those who volunteer, of course.

It’s comforting to know that while millions of people in the world starve and suffer, the pugnacious residents have time to relax while verbally haranguing each other over the fallacies of their political affiliations. As Andy Griffith would say, “Makes you proud to be an American, don’t it?”

We’re all just one big, happy dysfunctional American family.

God bless America. Hampton White Newbury Park