During the carefree years of
my pre-adolescence, one of my
favorite TV programs was “The
Jetsons,” the after-school cartoon
comedy about the trials and tribulations of an out-of-the-ordinary
family living thousands of years
in the future.
From all those unforgettable
Jetson moments—who could forget when Rosie turned into an evil
housekeeping robot or when Judy
almost ran off with Mr. Spacely’s
son?— I found one episode to be
unusually disturbing.
The program was a glimpse
into what professional sports
might look in the year 3005, and
in its depiction of a futuristic
game of football, human athletes
were replaced with robotic athletes and people were regulated
to the role of spectators.
“What a horrible idea,” I
thought to myself, strawberry
Pop-Tart in hand. “What fun
would watching sports be if it
were just a bunch of lifeless robots with no feelings, no sense of
pain and especially no ability to
randomly break out in the Icky
Shuffle?”
I mean, I could certainly understand the use of artificial intelligence when it came to referees and even the occasional
sportscaster (i.e., Stuart Scott),
but to replace living, breathing
athletes with mobile computers?
The thought was too appalling
for words.
Or at least it was until about 72
hours ago when the heartfelt belief from my youth shattered right
along with J.D. Drew’s left wrist,
adding to an already laundry list
of Dodger injuries that have made
the hope and enthusiasm of a 12-2
start disappear quicker than a plate
of ribs on Bartolo Colon’s dining
room table.
Yes, I know it may sound a
little irrational, but after losing yet
another Dodger star to injury, the
idea of fielding a team of completely indestructible machines
sounds pretty good right about
now. Really, wouldn’t a ban on
oxygen-breathing players be
worth not having to see Scott
“Call me when it Lands” Erickson
come out of the bullpen—or Jason “The Pinch Out” Grabowski
step to the plate with two on and
two out in the ninth?
The only thing I’d ask is that
the Gagne 5000 model comes
with those silly goggles and the
Milton Bradlenator is programmed to fire plastic beer
bottles at any trash-talking fans.
Oh, and if we really wanted to
keep it realistic, the Jason Phillips
robot must have a 50-pound
weight attached to its wheelbase
for proper base running velocity.
Just think, after he was done
with the game, the Jeff Kent robot
could find a second job as one of
those “Rock ‘Em, Sock ‘Em” robots, ready and willing to knock the
head off of any member of the press
willing to insult his 70s-era mustache. And the Hee Sop Choi edition —don’t even get me started.
Seriously though, I can’t
think of anything more frustrating for a sports fan than injuries.
They’re the salt in the wound, the
kick to the groin, the bad news
that no one can plan for, when
all hopes for victory vanish more
quickly than the sports ticker
flashing the bad news across
your TV screen.
No longer are we cheering
about home runs and shutouts, but
positive medical reports and shortened stays on the disabled list.
I know the traditionalists tell us
that injuries are “just part of
the game,” and I’ll give them
that. But losing six members
of your starting lineup and the
best reliever in the game in a
matter of months—that’s just
cruel and unusual.
The Dodgers will actually
play a game tonight without
Gagne, Kent, Bradley, Drew
and Cesar Izturis. I mean, how
good would the Chicago Cubs
of the 1910s be if Tinker,
Evers and Chance were all out
with hamstring injuries.
Hopefully, this all doesn’t
sound like incessant Dodger
fan wining, but after Izturis,
Kent and Drew all went out
in the span of three days, it
just pushed me over the edge.
I guess let’s keep a positive
attitude and hope for more Jason Repko’s and less Mike
Rose’s. The sooner the Dodger
stars return, the better.
And if things really go
south, there’s always those
Jetson reruns to catch on the
Cartoon Network.
Happy viewing.